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30 March 2010 @ 10:34 pm
 I can't believe I'm back in this same situation again. I've been having problems with Cody lately concerning the time we spend together. We both have insanely busy schedules and the time we get together is very rare. This week in particular has been rough and I'm beginning to question the validity of everything we've been through and what it really means and what he really feels. 

I'm going to Florida this Sunday for Spring Break which is 8 days and he is going to Hawaii on Thursday of next week for 5 days. We will both be returning on the following Monday. Since this week is our last until we get back from Spring Break, I thought we would be spending a lot of time together. But that apparently is not the case. He has other commitments which I understand because I have my own as well. But whenever I'm thinking about my day, I'm always planning out how I can move things around in order to get more time with him. For example, today I had swim practice from 2-4 and then I had to stay at school for late night in journalism since our issue comes out this week and during production week everyone stays after school to put the paper together. I figured he might be able to spare half an hour or so to come down and visit me since he was also at school tutoring kids. I used to also go to this tutoring thing first semester but I had to stop second semester due to my responsibilities as captain of swim and my practices. It's a fact that nothing ever goes on at tutoring. Some kids tutor for a little but but it will inevitably end up turning into chill time where everyone just talks and hangs out for a few hours. I asked Cody to come down to the journalism room since I knew he wouldn't be doing anything but he said he was tutoring. I knew this wasn't really the case so I went up to the room to see what they were up to. Of course, they were all just talking and laughing, in other words, not tutoring. I don't really know how to explain or describe the way I felt when I saw him. Of course I was hurt. Of course I was angry. He would rather spend time with his best friend who he would be going to Hawaii with than me? Me, who he wouldn't be seeing for a week. I don't know if this is true but that is how I felt. I have also sacrificed a lot of time from my best friend for him and so I'm pretty sure I understand the situation. I know Michelle understand and Paul probably does but the problem is Cody is the one who has a problem with their lack of time spent together. You would think its the other way around but no, it's not..

And now I really don't know what is going on because we both don't seem to want to compromise. I know it's not true but I really don't feel like a priority. I feel like I'm just something that's lying around and that he'll pick up when he wants to. I know that's not true but I can't help but feel that way. Plus his justification for hanging out with his friend is that he's leaving for college soon and since he's a junior they won't really be seeing each other much....but what about me? Am I just another disposable friend who doesn't matter? He says it's not true but how else am I supposed to feel when he justifies spending time with Paul that way? I am understanding. I understand his commitments. I go to his concerts and events and I try to be there for him. But I also need him to be there for me without me having to say it. Me saying it out loud just makes me feel desperate and worthless. Do I need to vocally communicate my need for him? Isn't it something that should be known without my having to say anything? I wrote too much. I don't know what else to say. I'm lost.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: sweet disposition - the temper trap
29 March 2010 @ 09:49 pm
 These past few months have been filled with their highs and lows and I really don't know what to make of them. There are about two and a half months of high school left and I don't know if I'm ready to graduate and take on the real world. I used to think I was.I remember just a few months ago I was more than ready to graduate and get out of this town. But now, my feelings are definitely starting to change and I don't really know where I stand. 

First off, I really desperately want to go far away for school. Not necessarily across the country but definitely not within a reasonable day's driving distance or somewhere my parents could randomly show up. I'm thinking UC Davis because of the 8-9 hour drive from where I live and the fact that I fell in love with the school when I visited it. But there are so many things rooting me down to my home. For one, there is my family whom I absolutely cannot stand at times but love them insanely nonetheless. The second are my friends, most of whom want to stay relatively close to Los Angeles. The third is my boyfriend. I didn't really understand before how people could become so caught up in their relationships that they would be willing to sacrifice their own goals and dreams just to stay close and be with their significant other. But I'm starting to realize how tightly love binds you. I was never the girl who was obsessed with her boyfriend. I'm an independent girl with my own dreams and aspirations for my future. But I have never felt this way before about anyone. And the thing is, I don't really know how to deal with this situation. He is planning on going to UC San Diego which is in the total opposite direction from me. But if I choose to go to UC Irvine, that might be closer to him. But my problem is, do I really want to base the next four years around this relationship? And I don't really know how he feels about it either. We haven't really discussed this yet, always pushing it back and trying to enjoy the rest of our time together as much as possible. But with the next two months fast approaching, I think it's becoming more and more important to discuss these things. 

With everything and everyone going away I just feel like I'm not ready to let go. Especially of the few close friends I actually care about and the boy. Isn't college about starting new though? And making the friends you're gonna keep for a long time to come? But I don't know if I'm gonna be able to let go... I think I've become so comfortable with the way everything has been going for the past few years that I'm afraid of change. But that's normal right? I really think I need to sort out my priorities for the future...but what are they? I guess only time can tell. 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: lay me down - dirty heads
22 March 2009 @ 04:40 pm
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Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: southern weather - the almost